Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Ten Worst Star Wars Characters

The Ten Worst in no particular order:

The Racist Bartender on Tatooine

This guy is an asshole.  Pure and simple.  He isn't shy about letting everyone in the cantina know it either.  He proves early on that it's an uphill road for droids everywhere by shouting, "We don't serve their kind here!"  Apparently it's a common refrain because nobody even makes a fuss.

The Other Pair of Assholes in the Cantina

What a pair of dongs.  Neither one of them cares for Luke Skywalker, I guess because he doesn't have a scrotum for a chin or because nobody recently dumped acid on his face then stepped on it with a Timberland boot.   Either way one of them gets his arm cut off Carl Weathers Predator Style.

Lando Calrissian and Everyone Else Who Facilitated that Bullshit in Cloud City

Sure, Lando looks cool and he atones for his betrayal as best he can but this whole thing was bullshit.  He claims to have had no choice in the matter but I don't buy it.  He should have taken his lumps.

The Emperor

What a shriveled up sack of Force.


You know those assholes who become cops because they like it?  Not because they want to help people or make a difference, but because they are fucking assholes, those are the people who would apparently be Stormtroopers.

Worm Monster on the Asteroid

How could this thing possibly exist?  What does it eat?  How could it be so big?  That asteroid couldn't have an atmosphere.  It's just confusing.  

The Guy Who Tells Han Solo That His Tauntaun Will Freeze Before He Hits the First Maker

Right before Han Solo leaves to search for Luke some creep tells him that his tauntaun will freeze before he hits the first marker.  Apparently he thinks Luke Motherfucking Skywalker isn't worth searching for.  He's only the sole chance the Rebellion has in defeating the Empire.

Bib Fortuna

This guy is a yes man, a flunky, a sycophant. He's a busted up prick.

The Pilot Who Thinks that the Deathstar Target is Too Small to Blast with His X-Wing

Why is this guy so negative?  He just looks so sullen.  Luke has to set him straight with my favorite quote in the whole trilogy:  "I used to bullseye womp rats back home in my T-16, they're not much bigger than two meters."  Yeah, fuck you dude.

The Gamorrean Guards

These guys look kind of cool but how could this race of pig men possibly protect anything.  They waddle around carrying axes that need a good sharpening and seem really stupid.  Lame.

1 comment:

  1. I found this post while searching for the name of the dude with testicles on his face. Amazing and hilarious stuff here, great job!