Saturday, March 26, 2011

Netflix Dare: Ghost Fever

What an atrocity.  Seriously.  I mean, I've seen plenty of bad movies but this plumbs depths I didn't think existed.  Watch the trailer.  Sherman Hemsley stars as a police detective in only the vaguest sense.  He and his partner, some Puerto Rican guy (we know because he mentions it at least four times) are, for some reason, asked to serve an eviction notice to whoever lives in some old plantation that is supposed to be haunted.  Beforehand we are introduced to two ghosts, one of whom is played by Hemsley in white face.  The other ghost is apparently the son of the Hemsley ghost's former master.
Once Hemsley and the other cop show up at the plantation the two ghosts attempt to thwart their efforts in serving the eviction notice.  We do not know why.  Soon, though, we are introduced to one of the ghost's granddaughters who are apparently living out some sort of Grey Gardens fantasy.  For some reason there is also a woman described as a witch living there as well.
There are some slight, and I mean slight, hi jinks that involve the ghosts and the cops but then matters are complicated, I mean confused, by the apparent existence of a ghost that we can't see.  So there are multiple ghosts working independent of each trying to stop these inept cops from serving an eviction notice.
Every single joke is ill conceived, some of them offensive.  There is a scene where the cops find a torture dungeon that was apparently used to torture the slaves of the ghost that we cannot see, who was the master of the ghost that Hemsley is playing.  We can only assume that these ghosts tortured each other in some sort of weird sex game while they were living.  It's the only conclusion.  There is also a "gag" where the granddaughters and witch serve Hemsley's character chitlins, grits and watermelon for dinner.
The cops attempt numerous times to leave but then some how the Puerto Rican one ends up in a bathtub with one of the granddaughters and Hemsley ends up laying in a bed in old timey pajamas, replete with night cap, while the other granddaughter plays the saxophone.  Does that sentence sound crazy?  Well try watching it on film.  After these scenes a dance number ensues.  You might think I am making this shit up.  I'm not.  Hemsley and the Puerto Rican guy do some insanely lame tap dancing.  The ghost we can't see attempts to match their moves but the cops sight the fact that no one can see what he's doing.  He subsequently wraps himself in a sheet and becomes a sort of mummy-esque being that wears sun glasses and a top hat.  It then proceeds to fucking break dance.  He hits all the moves.  He pops and locks, then top rocks and does floor work.  It was like Michael "Boogaloo Shrimp" Chambers was wrapped up in there.  I only wish he'd done the smurf.  Hemsley and the Puerto Rican guy beat it though, they do some sort of dance that they obviously must have spent time choreographing down at the station.  The mummy ghost then explodes.
After this happens, the witch comes back and says it's time for the seance.  Seance?  What the fuck?  We're already dealing with a shit load of ghosts, right?  Well now we are going to deal with fucking vampires because the ghost that we couldn't see and was then a mummy is now a vampire.  He informs our "heroes" that he is going to turn them into zombies in order to hunt grave yards.  Why would they hunt grave yards the guys ask.  To get more zombies the vampire tells him.  What?  I don't know.  And I watched it.
So they end up killing the vampire, Hemsley crosses his arms to form a crucifix to menace him while the Puerto Rican guy stabs him with a tree branch.  Then the girls tell them they can't leave the mansion because they'll get all old and shit.  That is unless they take ectoplasm pills.
You would think that this movie might be over at this point.  But it isn't.  You know why?  I bet you couldn't guess in a million years.  There is no possible way you could ever even contemplate what happens next so I'm going to tell you.  The Puerto Rican guy fights Joe Frazier in some kind of boxing match.  I can't believe I just typed that sentence.  Joe Frazier looks out of shape and slovenly in the ring.  He isn't convincing at all and he's the best thing in the movie.  At one point the ringside announcer says:  To be honest folks, I can't believe it's gone on this long.  Which is weird because I was thinking the exact same thing about the movie.  The ghosts we can see help the Puerto Rican guy beat Joe Frazier.  And I'd ask why but I got tired of asking this movie why about two minutes into the film.  The movie does have a happy ending though, the cops die in a car accident.

Lauren's take:  I don't get this movie.  What was that scene with the Mummy about?  That was like the kind of Halloween costume you come up with at the last minute.  I can't pay attention to this.

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