Saturday, April 16, 2011

Netflix Dare: Nightmare Alley

 Nightmare Alley

Let me tell you something about this movie, I wish that a horse would kick me in the nuts so I could say, "Shit, that wasn't so bad."  This movie is unparalleled in its ineptitude.  Seriously, there's bad movies and then there's the movies that bad movies get together to watch and laugh at.  This is one of those movies.
The movie begins with me wanting to immediately turn it off and do some yard work or something.   Or it starts with a couple of assholes talking about something indecipherable.  I think they are talking about some sort of concert they went to but also it sounds like they are making fun of people that are exactly like themselves.  Then a bum gives them a comic book and stabs one of them.  And we're off!
This "movie" is seven short "films."  Trust me when I tell you that each one is legitimately harder to watch than the one that preceded it.  Trust me when I tell you that watching this whole movie will make you want to kill yourself.
Do you want me to describe one of the films?  There's no way I could possibly do most of them remote justice.  There's one where a woman is sunbathing near a pool and a great big fat guy lumbers up next to her and sits on the adjacent chaise lounge.  When I say great big fat guy, I'm talking Refrigerator Perry fat.  After he retired.  Anyway, he finds a convenient bottle of baby oil and, no questions asked, applies some to the woman's leg.  Instead of screaming and running away, she turns to him and says, "Oh, you're cute, why don't you come up to my place," or some dumb shit like that.  
Right here I want to stop and let everyone know that this movie is full of fat people.  I'm not a skinny dude at all but even I felt comfortable calling most of these people fat.  There's seven little films and every single one of them has a portly component.  Also, there are a ton of ill fitting jean shorts in this movie.  A ton.  Nobody's jean shorts are even close to what you'd call ill fitting.  That implies some level of fit.  There isn't a pair of jean shorts in this movie that had any business being on anyone's body whatsoever.  I hope the commentary track on the dvd has some interviews with the costume designer because I'd love to hear what they were thinking.
So this fat guy, who is wearing the most ridiculous of all the shorts (and no shirt), follows the woman up to her apartment   She pours them a couple of beers in some sort of novelty glasses but is rudely interrupted by her husband who is fat but not as fat as the original fat guy whom we've by now been introduced to as, I'm not making this shit up I swear, Luigi Orosco.  Say that name out loud, to yourself.  Was the very next thought you had, "That's the stupidest name I've ever been asked to believe is an actual name?"  I thought so.  So the woman's husband yells at her and she hits him on the head with some sort of frying pan.  Then she calls up Luigi and invites him back over for dinner.  She then serves Luigi her husband's head and one of his hands on a platter.  That's it, that's the end of the story.  It only lasts about five minutes which is the best thing about it.  
Between every little vignette some asshole shows up and says something you don't understand or makes references that don't make any sense.  He looks like this:
There is some sort of rubber prosthetic mask covering his face which makes it hard for him to move his mouth.  I'm pretty sure he was just opening and closing his mouth randomly which probably made it impossible to synch up the dubbed voice.  They could have at least tried though.  He is an obvious rip off of the Crypt Keeper of Tales from the Crypt fame and this movie is pretty much an attempt at some sort of Creepshow knock off.  I don't think I've ever seen a movie fail on so many different levels simultaneously.  Bad dialogue, bad plot, bad acting, bad cinematography, bad lighting, bad costumes, bad music, bad title sequences (normally not worth mentioning but they were terrible, laugh inducing even) make for one of the most arduous film viewing experiences of my life.  Good work, Silencio, but lets see if you make it through your dare.

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