Friday, January 21, 2011

Frozen / Hatchet

This is my first attempt at a short and minimal review of two movies by Adam Green; I will probably fail but here goes. Frozen is about three lame twenty-something ski-bums that is sort of a mix between a man vs the elements for survival (well, two men, one women) film and a bro-buddy movie. Its a pretty ridiculous movie, being that the whole premise is about these three people who get stuck on a ski lift over the period of a week while the ski resort is closed. Yeah I know, how the hell can this possible happen in a way that seems realistic AND keep my attention for 90 some odd minutes. As far as realism goes the *most* realistic part ends up being how these turds end up stuck on the chairlift which is pulled off in a way that makes the situation seem believable, but, from there on out (the survival part of the film) believable situations putter out.

I have to hand it to this one though, there was some grueling scenes to sit through that made even a hardened viewer like me cringe in my seat. Further more, accepting the pitifully pathetic situation these folks have gotten themselves into makes all of these shocking scenes seem necessary; they are not just thrown in for shock value alone though shocking they are. Ok ok, the part with the wolves was pretty fucking stupid, it would not happen. If wolves were this hungry they would be hunting down skiers all weekend but whatever, I doubt Adam Green was going for eniromental realism while making this one. The only other movie I have seen that Adam Green did was Hatchet, which I really liked because of how stupidly awesome it was and it has the best red-neck inbread villain ever named Victor Crowley.

Anyways, Frozen was pretty stupid but I enjoyed it for what it was, which is how I feel about Hatchet also but as I would probably not watch Frozen again I would indeed watch Hatchet if I was desperate enough for a good gore flick. On the Frozen poster above one critic says "Terrifying, will do to skiing what "Jaws" did to swimming".. What?? You think so?? A shark is one of the most ferociousness creatures in the world and a ski lift is a rinky-dink shitstack used for pulling yuppies to the top of a hill over and over again, I just cant agree with that comparison any less; I am in no way more afraid of snow sports now then I was before I watched Frozen though they do still seem pretty boring to me, I think I would be afraid of breaking my leg falling down..

All in all (if you could not figure this out by now) I would have *really* liked Frozen way more if Victor Crowley came thrashing through the snow to tear these ski bums faces in half instead of a pack of hungry wolves, but, for a one time viewing only I would say sure, give it a shot.

Just for fun, here is how Mr Crowley is introduced in hatchet. This dude could have drop kicked all the wolves out of the ski valley while proceeding to massacre these three snow pansies. I think a remake is in demand.

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