Nude Nuns With Big Guns

Things sure have started to slow down here on The Movie Goer so its time to turn around my lackluster attempt to be a film critic and give everyone a glimpse at a seriously awesome little flick I was fortunate to see (it was the world premier even!) at the Arizona Underground Film Festival last year. I mentioned in a previous post about the film festival that Nude Nuns was one of the most bad-ass films I have seen on the big screen and after watching it a second time I still stand my ground and would go so far to say it was the #1 film at the festival (which was hard to narrow down, a little Tucson secret for y'all: if your not a pussy the Arizona Underground Film fest will rock yer socks and was a great time last year).

Being fairly new to the "nunsplotation" genre of film I was pretty mixed on this one, I mean, I have sought out some pretty bizzar-o movies over time but the whole nun thing never rang my bells. I have only seen one video store ever dare to have a Nunsplotation section (Le Video, San Fransisco) which I have a picture of because the huge dork in me figured this is the furthest you can break down a genre without getting out-of-control pretentious and wanted to remember it.

Nude Nuns With Big Guns is basically about a bunch of nuns who have been forced to give into a life of producing heroin, factory line style, for a band of villains who get their orders from higher up priests from across the land; it seems everyone out in this remote desert landscape is in on things. One of the nuns (Sister Sarah, played by Asun Ortega who is ,dare I say it, one very sexy nun) gets put through a round of very strong forced heroin trips and while coming out of these claims God came to her and let her know her higher purpose in life.

Man, I am getting a heaping of guilt rush just writing this, *flashbacks to Sunday School as a child* ....ahem...anyways

Sister Sarah then explains this to an old man who is taking care of her and while he attempts to rationalize the effects of the drugs she was forced to inject she stands firm to the fact that God talked to her and instructed her to kill all who sin in his name. This old sage/vato like man then bestows upon her the weapons of holy order as she proceeds to tell him "I will have to show no mercy, even to someone, who shows mercy to me" then shots him in the face.... Fuck Yeah. This scene ended up being one of the best in the movie, very reminiscent of Sergio Leone right down to the Ennio Morricone like score and would rank way high up on the bad-ass meter as would this entire movie.

Sister Sarah is on a high risk mission from God and is kicking serious gory ass along the way. She also gets caught up in a pretty hardcore relationship with another nun which brings into play some nun lesbian scenes. There are also a gang of ruthless villains that tactically use rape as a means to scare the truth out of people , which, I thought was a bit much after one time but these villains are pretty mean dudes and rape apparently seems like a good option several times over. I guess this movie may push it a bit far for most people, rape and nuns in combination does seem downright wrong in print so bring your dark sense of humor for the whole movie or reader beware.... there are also lots of drug use , nudity and guns in this one as well; you're pretty much guaranteed to go to hell after a viewing of Nude Nuns With Big Guns but its so bad-ass and over the top in a very stylized way that even the artsy prick in you can still enjoy a trashy little gem. Also, hell is not real, so don't worry about it.

Shit like Machete and icons like Tarantino should tip their hats to Nude Nuns as its probably not going to get noticed much which is very unfortunate as it is the best out of the newer "grindhouse" type movies being made. Sure, you must be in the mood for a trashy sort of romp through underground cinema but just relax, stop being such an asshole and let the good times roll with this one.

A side note:
Grindhouse has a 7.9 on imdb and Nude Nuns has a 3.9; those numbers should be flipped as this is just another example how most people who vote on IMDB are complete idiots and should just refer to The Movie Goer for all future movie analysis.



The short that opened for Nude Nuns With Big Guns was titled Thy Kill Be Done, which was another excellent nunsplotation type film. What a great way to present a feature film: show a somewhat related short beforehand! Another good idea played out at the Arizona Underground Film Festival. Here is the trailer for The Kill Be Done and good luck finding this one.