Netflix Dare: Hellgate

I don't know where to begin.  I had never heard of Hellgate before I was dared to watch it.  How had I missed this insipid piece of shit?  Not only does the film itself defy all logic but so does the fact this isn't a cult classic on the level of Troll 2.  It makes me feel the way stupid people must have felt while watching Inception.  This movie is full of half composed narratives built on incomplete ideas inside ill conceived thoughts.
It all starts, I'm actually not sure I'm going to be able to do this, with literally the fruitiest motorcycle gang I have ever seen.  Wait, I guess it starts with two girls and a guy telling lame ghost stories to each other.  Then the fruitiest motorcycle gang ever.  They ride in slow motion and pump their fists like a bunch of guidos.  Now, I believe this is supposed to be the fifties but everything is is so remarkably eighties it's hard to tell.  The motorcycle gang does some brief terrorizing then kidnaps a local woman with almost no protest from anyone else in the restaurant.  I mean, the cook comes out with a shotgun and threatens them by shooting an empty table full of dishes then just watches as they kidnap the girl.  Some dude mutters, "Creeps." as they drive off with the girl screaming.  Pay attention to that guy though, he gives the best performance in the whole movie.  They drive off into a ghost town that is actually pretty populated.  I think it must be some kind of "attraction."  Somehow all the bikers and the girl get killed, I'm not sure how, I literally walked out of the room for twenty seconds and there was no way in fucking hell I was rewinding it.  Then I guess they became ghosts or zombies or something.
They cut back to the eighties where the guy that was Horsach on Welcome Back Kotter is in the same diner from the fifties where the "bikers" kidnapped the girl.  And they didn't change anything.  Nothing, exact same diner.  He needs directions to where the other people who are in the eighties are telling each other lame ghost stories.  He winds up cutting through this ghost town.  But at the same time the girl telling the story begins telling us about what happened after the kidnapped girl dies.  Apparently her dad ran the ghost town.  One day his caretaker finds some kind of crystal in a cave and uses it to reanimate a dead bat that he previously whacked with a shovel.  I'm sure you can guess what happens next, the caretaker takes the crystal back to his boss and he uses it to blow up a goldfish and reanimate some kind of turtle which bites his face in half.  Also, the turtle then explodes.  Then the crystal is turned on the caretaker and his face is melted off.  Don't believe me?  Check it out.  Melting seems to have gone out of vogue with horror auteurs of late.  In the 80's shit was getting all over the place, to each decade it's preferred method of sloppy killing I guess.
Obviously, now that it's the eighties again the guy that owns the ghost town has reanimated everyone that died and used to live there or something, including his daughter.  I'm sorry about being vague but I'm not being half as vague as the actual movie.  Some how Horsach almost hits her with his car and, Jesus, I can barely go on with this.  He takes her back to her house where she tries to blow him for some reason.  Then he freaks out and runs away.  Horsach finds his way to the house where the others are just in time to break up the worst sex scene I've ever seen in a movie.  Here it is, jump ahead to the 6:28 mark.  It is, of course, followed by a second sex scene only slightly less awkward.  
From here the movie completely devolves.  I thought the beginning of the movie was terrible but I had another lesson to learn in how fucking awful a viewing experience can get.  The four of them go back to the ghost town for some unknown reason, maybe it's just to do us a favor and move us closer to the end of the movie.  I don't really care.
The guy with the crystal proceeds to try and kill them while they lolly gag around the ghost town, presumably looking for his ghost daughter.  During this section of the film, the director really hits his stride.  His favorite techniques include:  the flat affect reaction shot, the shouted non sequitur, and the poorly lit shot. Have I mentioned that for some reason the guy with the crystal is wearing a boxing glove on one of his hands?  Well, he is.  Never explained.  Why bother?  The end of the movie is highlighted by two of the characters fleeing the ghost town at night only to still be driving within the ghost town in full daylight in the very next scene.  Classic.  Total classic.
This movie was almost twice as hard to watch as the last dare I accepted, Ghost Fever.  I feel like someone owes me money after watching this.  But who?  Netflix?  My fellow blogger, Ricky Caldwell?  I don't know, but I feel like I need to be compensated.  I'm going to say it's Ron Palillo because I saw his scrawny bleach white ass.  He owes me twenty bucks.